Even after several years some partners are surprised to find that there are still things to learn about each other. Others believe that because they live together they automatically know all about their partner. Then there is the other side where people assume because they are together they share the same perspective on relationships, they think alike, enjoy the same things and get the same satisfaction out of their relationship.

This is not always the case as we have been bought up with different values and do not think the same. It is healthy in a relationship to have different interests and well as similar. You need to spend time apart with your own interests and also spend some quality time together.

For example: go out seperately and enjoy the time spent with friends as this will allow you to have converstions with your partner about what your time was like.

To assist with communication complete the following statements. Allow yourself time when there are no interruptions to write down your responses. It may take several times to sit down and complete the statements. Once completed swap answers with your partner and discuss what you have written. Remember to listen to the other and ask questions when they have completed talking.

1. In our marriage, I feel loved when you…..
2. In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you…..
3. In our marriage, I am happiest when…..
4. In our marriage, I am saddest when…..
5. In our marriage, I am angriest when…..
6. In our marriage, I would like more…..
7. In our marriage, I would like less…..
8. In our marriage, I feel awkward when…..
9. In our marriage, I feel excited when…..
10. In our marriage, I feel close to you when…..
11. In ourmarriage, I feel uneasy when…..
12. In our marriage, I feel sistant from you when…..
13. In our marriage, I feel most afraid when…..
14. My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is…..
15. What I like most abour myself is…..
16. What I dislike most about myself is…..
17. The feelings that I have the most difficulty share with you are…..
18. The feelings that I can share most easily with you are…..
19. Our marriage could be freatly improved with just a little effort if we…..
20. The one thin in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is ….
21. The best about our marriage is…..

Many people who are involved in relationships such as a marriage or other partnerships experience some form of conflict. If conflict is dealt with appropriately, it can strengthen the relationship. If it is not dealt with appropriately it can have a negative impact. For example, arguing frequently, uncomfortable silences and growing further apart. Having a good understanding of yourself and your partner, knowing how to communicate, express thoughts and feelings effectively are all critical for a healthy relationship.

Throughout a relationship with each other you will face the proverbial fork in the road. When you are at these crossroads, it is important to remember that change happens and realise that not all forks in the road have a negative consequence.

To get to know your partner again you need to get back to basics. You need to be introspective and think “What am I doing to make this relationship go off track?” Write down your answers and discuss with your partner. It is hard, as most of us want to blame others for what is going wrong is our lives. My putting “I” back into your thinking it will help you acknowledge that change is needed and only your can do the changing.

As our relationship matures, we all change and have different outlooks. By having respect for your partner and supporting them with whatever comes along in life your relationship will be healthy. For example, if you partner wants to go back and study something they are pationate about. Be supportive, don’t put them down. You may not agree with what they are doing although it will help your relationship by respecting their decision and showing that support.

If you want to “dump” your partner and trade up to a “better” one, the relationship will not work and it will not make a difference until you decide to look inside yourself first. The reason for this is you will have the same problems with the new partner as you had with the old as you have not gotten real about yourself and fixed you. You will still have the same issues as the journey does not begin with your partner, it begins with you.

If you are in a relationship that has gone off the tracks, is laced with pain, confusion or emptiness, you have lost touch with your own personal power, your own dignity, your own standards and your own self esteem. You have given away your hopes and dreams and settled for things you really didn’t want just to keep the peace. You really have mistreated yourself and probably blamed your partner rather than making the effort to find the true answers within you.

The truth is not easy to hear. If you don’t cheat yourself and don’t scrape away at the negative layers you will continue to sabotage your relationship. You must reclaim your own self worth, to get back in touch with yourself and you will find your partner will start to relate to you differently. We have not been taught how to manage a relationship, although society expects us to know how. Your only lesson was by watching your parents. You went to school to learn how to read and write but no-one ever taught you how to be a husband or wife and what to do if things went wrong.

The reality of your relationship along with your overall lifestyle and the relationship with yourself are intertwined. Problems don’t just appear they have to have help and nurturance. For example: compare an obese persons’ lifestyle with someone who is of normal weight. They have designed their worlds to what they have become. An obese person lives to eat whereas the normal weight person eats to live.

There is understanding that it does take two to tango in any relationship. By focusing on you wanting to change yourself and be able to change yourself, you will create a better lifestyle and environment in which your relationship takes place.

You can’t control your partner. You can’t make changes for your partner. You can’t tell your partner what to do. But you can inspire your partner. You can give your partner a whole new set of behaviors and stimuli to respond to.

Rescuing your relationship means rescuing you. Until you begin to live with dignity, respect, and emotional integrity, you will not have that quality and level of interaction with anyone else. You cannot give away what you do not have. If you don’t have a pure and healthy love and regard for yourself, how can you possibly give that to anyone else? And if you can’t give it to anyone else, then how can you possibly expect to have it reciprocated?

You have to be willing to admit that when it comes to conducting a relationship, whatever you are thinking and feeling and doing is not working. You have to be willing to move your position on some very deep beliefs and long-held emotions and behavioral patterns. You must be willing to utterly change the way you think, feel, and act in relationship to yourself and your partner. Getting back in touch with your core of consciousness will remind and convince you that there is nothing wrong with you that justifies you having less than a rewarding relationship in which you can live, love, and laugh every day of your life.

You need to change your mind set. If you drop out of a fight and start living a new way, it is going to be hard for your partner to continue fighting as they can not fight alone. Your partner may sulk for awhile, withdraw and be suspicious but eventually they will start to feel stupid sulking in the corner while your life is getting happier and you are at peace with yourself.
Don’t want to change as it seems too hard and you feel secure and comfortable. Just remember as quoted by Dr Phillip McGraw Ph.D “Your choose the behaviour, you choose the consequence.” If you decide to not change and be at peace with yourself that is your consequence.

The difference has to do with what our goal is in responding to unacceptable behaviour and also inappropriate behaviour. If it is to vent our anger, control our teenager and provoke resentment, then punishment is the way to go. Although, on the other hand, if our goal is to send a clear message, manage and guide the teenager, and provide instruction about life, then consequences are the way to go.

The purpose of establishing consequences for inappropriate behaviour is to teach them about the real world. There are basically two kinds of consequences:- natural and logical.

Natural consequences occur naturally, as a result of behaviour and choices. In the adult world, if we, for example, drink and drive we can get hurt or hurt innocent people. Another example, if we turn up consistently late for work we will get fired.

In the world of children, there are times when allowing natural consequence to occur is much too dangerous. A parent should never allow the natural consequences of running into a busy street to occur. When natural consequences are too dangerous, it is time to think of some logical consequences. In general, these involve some loss of something that is important to the teenager as a consequence for irresponsible behaviour. For example, removing their mobile phone for a period of time.

For consequences to be effective, they need to closely linked in time to the misbehaviour. “You are grounded for life and will never see the light of day” is unreasonable. “Your behaviour and choices have caused you to lose the privilege of keeping your mobile phone” is reasonable.

Consequences and discipline is an important part of a child’s upbringing and it continues to be important when they are teenagers. They still need discipline to feel secure and safe while learning to get along with others and to live in society. As your children grow into adolescents you need to use a different discipline approach from the one you might have used during their childhood.

Adolescence is a time when children move quickly from being dependent where they look up to you and usually want to please, to becoming independent and wanting to make their own decisions and think for themselves. Your child may seen to temporarily reject your values and it is easy to become frustrated and feel that you have lost your influence over you child/ren.

Shouting, stubbornness, irrational behaviour and crying can be expected from time to time and they test the water’s. No matter how well meaning your teenager, a lack of experience, impulsive thinking can sometimes result in poor judgement and decisions.

WHAT CAN I DO?

You need to firstly, work on the relationship with your child first. No discipline will be successful unless this is the basis, having a good relationship can take time and often you need to do things together on their terms.

Listen to them without trying to force your ideas onto them and learn to take an interest is what is important to them. If may not seem important to you, although actively listening will help with the relationship and they will feel valued.

Learning to trust your teenager is very important part of building the relationship. Trust needs to be earned by both parties. Please keep in mind that your teenager is struggling with lots of new feeling and their behaviour could be showing genuine unhappiness which needs your attention and concern.

They may not think it, but teenagers still need some rules and limits. This works best if you can work these out together as this builds the trust between both parties.

Allow some risk taking, but also keep your child’s safety in mind. You need to have some rules that protect your teenager in the home and out.

Over time you can gradually move the limits and they learn to take over the reins of their own life.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN RULES ARE BROKEN?

When rules are broken, there needs to some form on consequence. Whatever you decide they will see it as a punishment and be resentful towards you. If action is not taken straight away you will be making it more difficult on yourself for the next time.

Before your emotion takes over and you jump in with guns blazing, sit down together and rationally discuss what happened. Listen first to what they have to say.

You must follow through with the consequence and make sure the consequence fits the rule that was broken. For example: “You were asked to be on time getting home, therefore next time you will coming home earlier.” Your teenager must know very clearly what the consequence will be if a rule is broken.

EXPECT IT WILL TAKE TIME

Most parents feel that they are constantly repeating themself when if comes to their teen and behaviour. This is very normal and part of your teenager testing you. If is important not to over react as they will keep testing until they get their way.

You must insist and expect that they help around the house. This teaches them contribution, they feel part of the family and it shares the load, especially with working parents. You will regularly have to remind them to do their chores as it is not on their radar. They will think that they are the only ones doing anything and they have done heaps already. This is normal thinking on their part, as it is taking away from their time to do what they want.

If their behaviour seems to be getting out of control or violent, you need to get support. You should not accept being treated badly.

You need to be your teen’s parent not friend. As a parent, your responsibility is to parent your teen and help them learn life skills, keep them safe and to guide them into adulthood.

Teenagers are not able to raise themselves as their do not have the cognitive development for problems solving. They jump in with both feet and think of the consequences later. They need a responsible parent to assist them.

Guilt can get in the way of you helping your teenager. Are you giving into to your child as you are afraid they will get angry or upset? Guilt can keep you from effectively helping you teen become a productive adult. As Bonnie Harris, author of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons explains, “Guilty parents are not very good at……creating appropriate boundaries because their focus in on what they haven’t done right.”

You are the only one who can turn this guilt feeling around. Once you acknowledge the behaviour you can change it, this is the same with most lessons we learn through life. Once you change the guilt feeling you will notice your teenager will respond and change their behaviour as well, usually for the better.

TIPS FOR TAKING AWAY GUILT

Teenagers need to own their own problems, feelings and behaviours. You can’t fix things for other people and by taking on other’s problems you start to feel guilty because you are unable to fix it. You should not ignore what your teenager is doing. You still need to know about the problem but they need to own it, these are two different things.

Knowing about a problem is being informed where as owning it is attaching your emotions and self to the problem and trying to control its outcome. When you are kept informed you can help your teen with advice and guidance. Parents can sometimes get in the way of their teen solving their problem. They need to learn to problem solve themselves as this helps with better choices and consequences.

There is always are consequence to a behaviour. If the chosen behaviour is bad there is a bad consequence, if the chosen behaviour is good there is a good consequence.

As mentioned earlier, try not to let emotion get in the way and lose your temper. Give yourself some time before making your choices as you do not want to end up in a yelling match and power struggle. Deal with the matter at hand and do not allow yourself to be softer because of something that happened in the past. The past is the past, deal with what is happening in the moment.

If you keep allowing yourself to give in and allow your teen to do something you wouldn’t normally allow because of guilt, your teen will not learn life skills and become resilient. Worse still, they may begin to feel they are entitled which leads to teens acting like spoiled brats. This could be acted out in all aspects of their life, from socializing with friends, school, work place if they have a part time job. There will come a time when they do not understand why they are being treated negatively by their peers etc.

Being a parent to a teen can be both rewarding a frustrating. If you stick the rule of following through with consequences of their behaviour your child will come through the years as a productive adult. There will be many ups and downs and times when you want to give in. Having both parents on the same side will help you teen feel valued and loved.

Remember to spend time actively listening to your teen and allowing them some freedom to learn.

The excuses are a mile long from saying it is tougher today to bring up children than what it was 50 years ago, or nowadays it takes two incomes to provide for a family. It really is a cop out, as every generation has strived to improve on their own upbringing by giving more, this is human nature. We can label the difficulties or wrap them in different paper though at the end of the day the buck stops with you as the parent.

Go back 500 years and then compare living in the world today as a tough place, even the meek and lower socio economic live better today than anytime in history. For the majority of us we are living in the here and now, so why not make the most of what we have got. As parents today we instill the virtues and values of generations to come as have those that came before us.

It is easy to blame our parents for our current situation, though stop to think, they could do the same in blaming their parents. You have created your current position in life, as we all have choices. Being born into wealth does not guarantee continued wealth; equally being born into poverty does not mean you are destined to be poor. Today many self made millionaires have hit rock bottom as either being bankrupt or homeless, yet have gone onto great things.

So today if we choose to make a difference we are more inclined to, or you can choose to have a crappy day. By fine tuning your own positive outlook you can expect your children to emulate it? Our kids are simply sponges of our behaviors, our attitudes, our language and beliefs. Therefore decide at least for your children that you are going to be the role model that will impress upon them. One day your kids may thank you for it.

A common issue in the parent of today is the lack of attention that is given to their kids. Yes I understand the pressures of life and the responsibilities, yet how many kids misbehave or get into trouble? While it is only one scenario generally these children are vying for your attention. What do we do as adults when we feel like we are not being heard? We shout and get angry. Kids play up and do naughty things to get your attention. No different.

Can you remember your childhood? Do you remember how quickly it went before you became an adult? Therefore when your kids come to you and ask a question STOP and give them that moment in time, it may be that thing they remember for the rest of their life, that critical question. Do not fog them off.

I am not suggesting you have to be the perfect parent every hour of every day of the week, as none of us are perfect. I recommend you take the time to offer the guidance and inspiration that will make them that great adult. In other words be present for them. It is no good to say wait till I get a spare minute, as that moment in time may never be repeated again.

Being caught up in your work or your chores or even your own quiet time is never as important as when your child comes to you for advice; or when you can see that they need to be taught to do something correctly. As adults we do not always learn something the first time we are taught, it takes repetition before we get the learning. So be patient with your kids development, if it takes you three times or more to tell them not to draw on the wall, so be it. Allow the possibility that it may take that long for it to sink in.

Teach your children consequence; this can be done without imparting the wrath of god upon them. Some parents literally go into hysterics in scolding their kids, if only they thought about the impact that will have on their child as an adult? Imagine explaining to them why that behavior is not acceptable. Note how I said the behavior not the child as in their intellect or personality? By calmly explaining what could happen if they followed through on this, they soon will learn right from wrong.

So in closing you can either find that Parent Farm or you can stop, listen and teach your kids the important values in life, it will make them terrific adults. Or let them grow up as potential failures because you could not be bothered to give them the time? Life is short so being the best teacher you can to create a positive life that comes with offering love and happiness. Be present, listen intently to understand, and enjoy being a parent.

You can argue that the imminent big 40 is now fast approaching and we are yet to accomplish something in excess of our current position. Well back the truck up, you are a long time dead. With advances in technology and medicine chances are you’re not even at the half way mark in this game we call life.

The most common trait in the typical 35+ males life is the belief of not having locked away the dream career, or more popular still deciding if you have enough courage to step into self employment. For those seeking independence and a truly rewarding lifestyle, this can conceivably be one of life’s biggest challenges. I am often a magnet for this male demographic who open up to this state of confusion in there life, with me.

To break this down further is to explore the two biggest human motives we encounter in life, and make no mistake macho men; these two emotions are fear and love. Nearly every human driving force is derived from these two emotional factors. How you may ask?

When we are motivated by fear and contrary to belief we use security and stability, which are outcomes of our actions, these can best be described as being in a fear based emotion. Turn the tables and be in an environment of happiness, support and caring for others, and you feel the presence of love.

So when you cannot face a life changing experience know that any excuses or objections are fuelled by fear. So why do we fear the future? Because we have had 35+ years of good or bad judgement to sway our decision making process. So when we step out of our comfort zone our sub conscious mind or our library of historical events and experiences, throws up a red light warning us of a failed comparable time.

Psychologists have estimated that our emotive fears or worries result in 87% of concerns never coming to fruition, yet we continue to be critical of hope or a better way of life. The founder of McDonalds restaurants Ray Kroc was quoted in saying if you are not prepared to take a risk, then get the hell out of business. Life really is no different we were put on this earth to encounter challenges and real problems. How boring would life be if it was that predictable you did not bother to take a chance?

Let us take a look at dreams and what they can mean and how you extract the wisdom. Take solace in finding and dedicating some quiet time for you. In today’s modern world of equal rights and share, a lot of us are now committing more time to the household family experience than ever before.

Our fathers worked their bodies to the core and more often than not left the family chores and upbringing of kids to their wives. Today as life becomes more technically advanced we are finding new ways to look busy in our newly created free time. So back to you, work out when is your best time in the day or week for some selfish me time.

What to do with this time is ponder, meditate or whatever takes your fancy. Then focus on what brings you alive, that feeling of I am invincible, or when you sense that sensation of joy. For some it might be going on holidays, or taking a test drive of your dream car or you may have an underlying passion or hobby, that simply needs exploiting. You will know it by what I like to call that good gut feeling when you know you cannot fail. Once you have identified what it is for you in that feel good moment, apply that to your dedicated time of reflection.

It will be in this reflection that you will start to unearth your life purpose. Some may say I have been on a mission in search of my purpose for some time, yet I have not unearthed it. This is common and not a time to beat your self up. Yes it can be harder to take risks when you have the responsibility of family and commitments. Though give yourself the privilege of at least acknowledging what makes you happy. Not all of us get to do what we love as a career, so allow the possibility there is scope to at least get a taste for it.

To draw the ultimate comparison is to ask your self what I would do if I knew I couldn’t fail. Let these ideas flow, perhaps put pen to paper to capture these thoughts. Now most of these thoughts will not be new, there will be events, people and places where you have enjoyed that feel good experience. Another way of identifying what you need to do is relate to a time where things were falling into place and you were on a high, there will be some point in life that you can reflect upon.

We can easily expand upon the many techniques to identify where you are at in your life, and those techniques can be shared by simply visiting the author of this article, and requesting more information on unlocking your purpose. Remember you are not alone so continue to communicate with other like minded 35 plus males that exhibit a positive mental attitude, if you attract the doom and gloom people you get just that. Rest assured life need not be difficult it is us that make it hard.

Make today the first day of the rest of your life.

One of the first behavioral patterns is the way you spend your time, the controlling individual is generally a very busy person and is always planning or organizing not just themselves though everybody in their circle of life. This is to the point of where they will constantly complain about not having enough me time, however they secretly like to be kept busy and always in demand. Call it a martyr if you wish, though the underlying truth is they crave acknowledgement and appreciation for their actions.

To the controlling person this may come as a surprise as they may have either lacked love or attention as a child, hence why it is playing out in their adult lives. This also affects the ones close to them, by having a regimented time controlling existence. Another pattern is the, what about me, it is all about me, poor me. As they have become accustomed to being in demand and the seeker of attention, that they are the first to suffer from not being the centre of the moment.

Normally the controlling person will struggle with change, as it is their way or the highway. They fear change unless it is on their terms, if not it rocks their world. Funnily enough these will be the people that openly admit; oh I do not like change, yet will be the first to get a new hairstyle or will have to buy that item of clothing that stands out and attracts attention.

Theses dominant people typically are reluctant to move, and quite often will become a prisoner of their own life because moving house or town is the furthest thing from their mind, and anybody that does it is crazy. Naturally they will have an opinion of your transient ways, why because they are imparting their values upon you without consideration to what is important to you.

The controlling person is rarely wrong and struggles to admit defeat, remember how can you be in control if you are not right? So here is the first step to admitting you’re a controlling person, is allowing others to actually have a point of view, or a belief without actually challenging them. So simply by letting go of your righteousness do you start to open up, and to realize others are not be reliant upon you. Your not here to save the world and yes the world will go on even in your absence.

Have you ever noticed that the controlling parent has little time for the child and quite often the child is screaming out for attention to the point of misbehaving to the disgust or annoyance of the controlling person, why, again because it is not on their terms? One can argue the other extreme of the over zealous parents that push there children into a sport that the child is expected to excel at, whilst potentially fulfilling there own lack or acknowledgement as a child.

Note help is not far away when you acknowledge your pattern of behavior, by seeking help. Guidance from a professional like a marriage counsellor or a general life counsellor before it is too late is the best medicine. Although the willingness to change must be there before consulting help, otherwise it may lead to a catastrophe either in your relationship or your family. Controlling people are not limited to male or female, many women suffer a controlling husband either through verbal or physical abuse when it is clearly not on. Equally a nagging wife may drive the male away from home to the point of divorce.

Controlling behavior is almost like a disease that needs treatment, quite often these types of people attract cancer, arthritis and many other debilitating illnesses because they swallow the anger and impatience of other people not meeting their expectations. Unless you are keen to attract these health related causes, stop and take a look at how you are impacting on your friends and family, and start accepting and loving yourself. As all this need for acknowledgement is an act to compensate for this loss of love. Lets us face it, the most important person in most peoples lives are themselves, so let go and quit being the victim. To read more useful information on this topic visit http:/www.positivelifecounselling.com.au

Mystical masters and self proclaimed psychic gurus have been able to tap into another realm, dimension or higher being since the beginning of time, yet today the self aware person is in search of a better way of life. It is commonly said that we will encounter challenges till the day we die. It is naive to assume you can achieve nirvana, by definition the ultimate attainment of wisdom and compassion without incurring obstacles. Therefore as we attract challenges, pain and suffering is best interpreted as what life is throwing at us in the form of life lessons? 

How many times have you encountered misfortune or as some may say bad luck, to later think why did I deserve that or why does it always happen to me? STOP and contemplate for a moment, as this is a sign, a wake up call or a test if you like. This is to alert you to the learning required, and to teach you to overcome the obstacle or lesson. Once you accept the lesson it is done and you will be better prepared and will have no need for the obstacle to occur again. 

A bizarre example you may say is why people have car accidents, and more specifically to the ones that are the recipient of someone running up the back of them. One may say how did I create this? It may have been a long time coming through lack of awareness or from not reading the signs. Another scenario is when someone has a heart attack, more often than not, the signs appear earlier and more frequently before the event. The loss of breath, poor blood pressure is a physical sign or early alert; this is an indication that something is not right? 

One of my favorite theories is that we have pebbles thrown at us to wake us up, then rocks and lastly boulders, and then we have the nerve to say I did not see that coming. If we consciously start to acknowledge our challenges in life and appreciate the learning, we start to unlock life obstacles. 

Many people will go through life blaming others for their misfortune or the government their family or their peers, yet if they were to realise that they have a part to play in this game we call life, there would be less wars, grief and unhappiness. By default we attract what we put out. I am often amused when people say that they will never win the lottery. Guess what you are right; the more you say it the more likely it will be. 

Another human trait to help us unlock our life lessons is in the way we pass judgment on others. In most religious text there will be reference to not passing judgment on our neighbor, yet how many of us continue to attack one another verbally or emotionally. Now no one is perfect, I too am critical of others idiosyncrasies, yet that is a red flag warning to say what we detest in others, is a direct reflection of our own self hate. 

Let me demonstrate. When we say other people procrastinate or take their time, we are potentially mirroring something we are avoiding in our own life. Big statement you may say, though be honest with yourself, where are YOU procrastinating? Sure it may not be in the same scenario, though rest assured you will not be confronting something that is eating away at you at the time. 

So the next time you are judging someone or something take a moment and think where I am doing the same thing. It may be a bitter pill to swallow; though rest assured you on the path to understanding your life lessons. Practice this until you expand your awareness and learn to read the signs and perhaps take note of when a pebble is thrown at you. Enjoy the journey not the destination and look for the signs along the way.

For other useful content on life mastery visit our web site www.positivelifecounselling.com.au and check out the resources page.